UNDERSTANDING NEEDS
We need to understand each other, to put ourselves in the other's shoes and realize from within how the other feels. This will allow us to not take personally the other's behavior, realizing that it is a result of the other's inner needs and not an attempt to hurt us. The following exercise in examining needs will help with that.
SOME NEEDS WE MIGHT HAVE FROM OUR LOVE PARTNER
Mark your needs and add others you would like to be respected or fulfilled in this relationship or in general in a relationship with the opposite sex.
1. Love (or greater expression of it)
2. Respect
3. Understanding (of what?)
4. Acceptance as we are
5. Acknowledgement and affirmation
6. Trust
7. Freedom to think and function as we believe and in accordance with our needs
8. A peaceful environment
9. Affection and erotic contact
10. Support and encouragement in the cultivation of our abilities and powers
11. To be listened to without hearing criticism or advice.
12. Satisfaction with us.
13. Inspiration
14. To be just with us - to behave toward us as he or she would like us to behave toward him of her
15. To agree with our beliefs and ideals or at least accept and respect them
16. T? express his or her true feelings, needs and beliefs
17. Freedom of movement
18. To keep our agreements
19. To be sexually devoted to only us
20. To have patience with our weaknesses
21. To be supported during difficult moments
22. To express gratitude for all we offer him or her
23. To acknowledge our positive qualities
24. To be alone when we do not feel well or when we have the need
24. To get out more often
26. To get more rest
27. To be given more help in the chores
28. For greater attention when we speak
29. To do more things together
30. For greater responsibility on his or her part
31. To be on time
32. To receive more help and cooperation in keeping order and cleanliness
33. To behave as we like in our home.
34. To take care of him/her self.
Other___________________________________
Now place a special mark next to those needs that in your perception are not being fulfilled enough in your relationship.
Having done so, seek to discover whether your lesson is to:
1. Express these needs more dynamically through I-messages
2. Get free from the needs
3. Get free from subconscious beliefs (fears, guilt) that prevent you from manifesting this need
4. Some combination of the above
According to your discoveries, make a plan for proceeding toward a happier reality.
OUR LOVE PARTNERS' NEEDS
Mark what you believe to be your love partner's needs
(Or the members of the opposite sex's general needs)
1. Love (or greater expression of it)
2. Respect
3. Understanding (of what?)
4. To accept them as they are
5. Acknowledgement and affirmation
6. Trust
7. Freedom to think and function as they believe and in accordance with their needs
8. A peaceful environment
9. Affection and erotic contact
10. Support and encouragement in the cultivation of their abilities and powers
11. To be listened to them without hearing criticizing or advice
12. To be satisfied with them
13. To inspire them
14. To be just with them - for us to behave toward them as we would like them to behave toward us
15. To agree with their beliefs and ideals or at least accept and respect them
16. T? express our true feelings, needs and beliefs
17. Freedom of movement
18. To keep our agreements
19. To be sexually devoted to only them
20. To have patience with their weaknesses
21. To be supported during difficult moments
22. To express gratitude for all that they offer us
23. To acknowledge their positive qualities
24. To be alone when they do not feel well or when they have the need
25. To get out more often
26. To get more rest
27. To receive more help in the chores
28. To be given greater attention when they speak
29. To do more things together
30. For greater responsibility on our part
31. To be on time
32. To receive more help and cooperation in keeping order and cleanliness
33. To behave as they like in our home and elsewhere
34. For us to take care of ourselves
Other___________________________________
Now place a special mark on the other's needs that you consider to be the least satisfied by yourself in this relationship.
POSSIBLE LESSONS
Then consider possible lessons:
1. To feel okay even if your loved one's need is not satisfied
2. To free yourself from any obstacles that keep you from satisfying your loved one's needs
3. To communicate more effectively about this through I-messages and active listening
4. To find practical solutions so you both can be happy
5. Some combination of the above
Once you have made your discoveries, move forward toward a more loving relationship.
WHAT WE CAN DO
Given this situation, we can do the following to create a more loving and growth-conducive relationship:
1. Take full responsibility for our reality.
2. Free the other from any responsibility for our reality.
3. Perceive the other as our teacher and learn through both his or her positive and negative attributes. Learn to emulate the positive, and to understand, accept and deal with the negative.
4. See what lessons we need to learn through the other's behaviors that annoy us. We have dedicated a future chapter to this process.
5. Learn to communicate more effectively with the other through I-messages and active listening
6. Understand the other's:
a. Needs (such as: affection, love, approval, freedom, respect, unity)
b. Beliefs (such as: I am in danger, I am not worthy, My freedom is in danger)
c. Reactions
7. Do not speak to others about our loved one, but only directly to him or her (except, of course, a counselor).
8. Participate in groups for the purpose of self-knowledge and creating interpersonal harmony.
9. See a professional counselor together.
10. Participate in each other's activities.
11. Express love and admiration such as:
a. Gratitude for help and service
b. Acknowledgment of what the other does
c. Recognition of the other's abilities, qualities and virtues
d. Love and appreciation
12. Meet regularly for communication on all levels. This is best done on a weekly basis.
13. Visualize the other in light and send love on a daily basis. |
